The Tale Of Carl The Bloody

Chapter 1: Religion

“Have a good trip, Father Murray,” the innkeeper said to his departing guest. “Be sure to watch out for Carl The Bloody,” he added.

“Who is that, my son?” Father Murray, a Roman Catholic friar, asked.

“Carl The Bloody is a ruthless robber. He lies in wait behind hills adjoining the road, and then ambushes victims whom he wants to rob. But he doesn’t just rob his victims, he kills them first!” the innkeeper recounted.

“Poor sinner. God have mercy on his soul,” said Father Murray sadly, as he left the inn and started down the road.

Father Murray walked down the road for a few kilometers, before stopping for a rest. As he sat drinking some water, a fierce-looking man emerged on top of a nearby hill.

“It’s not your lucky day today! Prepare to meet death by the hands of Carl The Bloody!” the fierce man bellowed, as he drew his sword from its scabbard.

Father Murray replied calmly: “You must be the poor sinner that the innkeeper told me about. Why do you seek to kill me? Why plot such an ungodly deed?”

“Why? Because I like killing people, and because I like taking their money and their belongings once they’re dead!” answered Carl.

“My son, don’t you know that the Sixth Commandment that God passed down to Moses is: “Thou shalt not kill”, while the Eighth Commandment is: “Thou shalt not steal”?” Father Murray asked.

“I’ve never been too fond of being commanded,” Carl said darkly.

“Poor sinner! If you disobey God’s commands, your immortal soul will be tortured in hellfire for all of eternity. You won’t be too fond of that either, will you?!” Father Murray said dramatically.

“You fool! Your God has no power over me! I worship Sin Iktar, the god of death and banditry! His commandments are: “You shall kill often!” and “You shall steal often!” If I kill and steal enough, I will enjoy all of eternity in the Mead Hall of Immortal Heroes.” Carl explained.

“What nonsense is this? You just made this up to justify your wrongdoing. Repent now and God may still forgive you your sins!” Father Murray said, starting to get nervous.

“Oh Sin Iktar! Grant me the ferocity to butcher this blaspheming infidel!” Carl bellowed, as he charged over and cut Father Murray into pieces.

Chapter 2: Morality

Carl had found a nice hill to camp out behind, peering out at the road every now and then to see if anyone was coming. He hoped that a rich person would come by soon. Carl had a craving for expensive roast duck that he wanted to satisfy that night, and only the best quality would do!

After waiting for an hour, Carl spotted a wealthy-looking man coming down the road on horseback, top hat and all. Barely containing his excitement, Carl rushed out on top of the hill to confront the passerby.

“It’s not your lucky day today! Prepare to meet death by the hands of Carl The Bloody!” Carl shouted.

Lord Stanley, the man with the top hat, stared at Carl with a startled expression on his face. He quickly recomposed himself though.

“Good sir, surely you do not mean what you say,” said Stanley. “Killing me, an innocent man, would be a profoundly immoral act.”

“Morality? There was a priest that I killed the other day talking about God’s commandments and other such nonsense, is that would you mean?” asked Carl.

“Good heavens no! I am talking about real, human morality, not that superstitious stuff!” said Stanley.

“You see,” Stanley carried on. “’The Greatest Happiness For The Greatest Number’ is the ultimate foundational principle of human morality. If you killed me, you would be causing me much more suffering than you would be gaining in happiness for yourself. Your action would render humanity as a whole worse off, thus making it profoundly immoral.”

“Hogwash!” exclaimed Carl. “I prefer the moral principle: ‘The Greatest Happiness For The Greatest Guy’. And guess what? I’m the greatest guy, and killing and robbing you would make me happier, so my action would be an eminently moral one!”

Stanley fidgeted nervously for a few moments, but then recomposed himself again.

“Very well, so you are not a utilitarian, fair enough,” said Stanley. “Then surely you must believe in the Natural Law. You see, killing me would be fundamentally against your nature as a rational being that must live by production and peaceful exchange. You don’t want to go against your nature now do you?”

“Actually, I know for a fact that I am a brutal, rapacious being, and to demonstrate this fact to you, I’m going to shoot your horse in the head with my musket, and then I will proceed to beat you to death with my bare hands. After that, I will take all of your money, and use it to buy myself a nice roast duck for dinner,” said Carl, in an eerily calm manner.

Carl then proceeded to do just as he said he would.

  

Chapter 3: Sympathy

The next day, the first passerby that Carl confronted was a young man, pushing his elderly mother along the road in a wooden wheelchair.

           

“It’s not your lucky day today! Prepare to meet death by the hands of Carl The Bloody!” Carl shouted, as usual.

The young man immediately got down on his knees and begged Carl: “Please sir, if you kill me, my poor old mother will have no one to take care of her. Without anyone getting her food and taking care of her when she’s sick, she will surely die. Please have mercy!”

The young man’s plea brought a flood of memories back to Carl. He remembered when he, as a young man and the only surviving male member of his family, had to take care of his old mother. He remembered the struggles that he had went through to keep his mother safe, only to have her taken from him by a bout of malaria.

But Carl had a reputation to uphold! He had never let a victim go! Carl drew his sword and rushed over to the kneeling young man and his sobbing old mother. Carl lifted his sword to deliver a killing blow but he couldn’t do it. He felt that if he struck this young man, he would somehow be striking himself as well.

“I will let you go,” Carl said as he lowered his sword. “But if you mention this event to anyone, I will find you and kill you. And if you don’t take care of your mother properly, I will find you and kill you.”

“Thank you Sir!” the young man exclaimed in relief. “I will do everything that you say!”

Chapter 4: Retaliation

Lord Hawthorne was riding down the road on the way to his nearby estate. All of a sudden, a fierce-looking man emerged on top of a hill.

 “It’s not your lucky day today! Prepare to meet death by the hands of Carl The Bloody!” Carl shouted.

Hawthorne just laughed.

“What are you laughing at? You dare laugh when death is staring you in the face!?” Carl shouted angrily.

“You want to kill me, bandit?” asked Hawthorne. “You may certainly do so, but don’t expect to keep your own life for long afterwards”.

Now it was Carl’s turn to laugh.

“Ooh, I’m so scared,” taunted Carl. “Is your ghost going to come back and get me?”

“Nothing like that,” replied Hawthorne. “But I should inform you that I am the lord of a nearby estate. I have 1000 armed retainers at my service. I have promised that whoever among them avenges my death (should it be a violent one), will inherit all of my wealth and lands.”

“Why should I believe you?” asked Carl. “How do I know you’re not just making this up to save your hide?”

“I may be,” replied Hawthorne. “But is that a chance you’re willing to take?”

Carl had a gut feeling that Hawthorne was actually telling the truth. Carl disappeared beyond the hill as Hawthorne continued on his way.

Chapter 5: General Rules: Action:

Carl stewed in his anger and misery all night. Two people he had let go, in two straight days! Carl promised himself that the next day, no matter what, he would kill his victim.

Carl got up early in the morning and found a hiding spot. He spotted a wise-looking old man walking towards him on the road. “This is my chance, I won’t let this one go!” thought Carl, as he emerged to confront the old man.

“It’s not your lucky day today! Prepare to meet death by the hands of Carl The Bloody!” Carl shouted.

The old man stared at Carl thoughtfully.

“I would think twice before doing that, young man,” the old man said. “Stop, and imagine living in a world where everyone acted like Carl The Bloody, robbing and killing at will. Production and trade would grind to a halt, and everyone would live in constant fear of death or spoliation. In such a world, all of the good things in life would be no more; they would be replaced only by fear, miserable poverty, and death. That is what would happen if everyone acted like Carl The Bloody.”

“I am really not in the mood for your pedantic ramblings!” growled Carl. “Give me your life!”

With that, Carl drew his sword, rushed towards the old man, and stabbed him to death.

Chapter 6: General Rules: Reaction

Carl didn’t know this, but when he killed the old man, they were not alone. A young man by the name of Roger Grimsby, hiding in the bushes nearby, observed the whole scene. Roger was greatly impressed by Carl’s conduct: a fearless man who took what he wanted, with no hesitation or remorse!

Roger decided that he would be a ‘hero’ just like Carl, better even! He left his home on the family farm, bought a musket and a sword, and set up on a stretch of road 50 kilometers away from where he had observed Carl killing the old man.

“Killing and robbing,” thought Roger. “Will be much more fun, and lucrative, than tedious, back-breaking farm work!”

Inspired by Carl, Roger engaged in ruthless banditry for a whole year, claiming many victims and lots of loot.

After a year’s time, Roger decided that he was ready: he was ready to do what he had set out to do, become a greater killer than his idol, Carl The Bloody!

Roger set out for the area where he had observed Carl killing the old man one year ago: he, Roger Grimsby, was going to kill and rob Carl The Bloody himself!

Roger knew what kind of hills Carl would choose to hide behind. Roger scoured all of the favorable hills that he could find, until he found some large human footprints on the foothills. Roger knew that these fresh footprints were those of Carl The Bloody, and that he must be hiding nearby.

Roger, who had become a skilled tracker over the past year, carefully followed Carl’s tracks. After a while, Roger spotted a large, muscular man lying prone near the top of a hill, peering out over the nearby road.

“I’ve got you now!” thought Roger, as he stealthily crept towards Carl. Once he got close enough, Roger took out his loaded musket and pointed it at Carl.

““It’s not your lucky day today! Prepare to meet death by the hands of Roger The Grim!” Roger shouted.

Carl wheeled around to see a fierce-looking young man pointing a musket at his head.

“Hey! That’s my li…” Carl began, before Roger’s musket ball lodged itself in his heart.

As Carl lay there dying, he remembered something that one of his victims had said: “imagine living in a world where everyone acted like Carl The Bloody”.